


Halloween 1993

by maceyza



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Suicidal Thoughts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maceyza/pseuds/maceyza
Summary: Remus Lupin PoVRemus thinks of his friends, Halloween and why he stayed.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship





	Halloween 1993

Another year has passed. Another year since the loss of my best friends.

The wind blew so hard that day. Leaves orange, red and brown swirled past my window. The cold slowly crept nearer as all the surrounding life turned to brown. I hate Halloween. Just another reminder that I am utterly alone in this world. Betrayal and grief rot my insides each Halloween. Every year I feel as if this will be the last time my body can recover from the decay that turns my insides to black. I thought things may have gotten better by coming to Hogwarts. I thought I could turn my life around. But seeing him only exacerbated this annual pain. I had to watch him each day. I had to see his messy hair and the friendship he found.... God how I miss them. In one night I lost them all. The love of my life betrayed our friends. Our family. He killed one and practically killed the other. He let that wretched man murder our best friend's wife and nearly his son. How can I live with myself knowing that someone I loved— someone I love, was ever capable of such a thing?

I've tried to take the easy way out. Oh how I have yearned a release from this prison of a world. To see my friends one last time. My dreams haunt me of those days. Those weeks...... every day I talked myself off that ledge. Everyday. But then the rumors spread and I heard that little Harry survived. When I heard my nephew defeated him— well I knew then that suicide was no longer an option. I begged with Albus. I begged him to let me raise Harry. "Allow me to give him a home where he is loved." Albus Dumbledore had his plans and when that man has made up his mind there is no changing it. Of course, I understood why Harry had to stay with the muggles, but I hated it. I resented Albus for his logical answer to the one thing keeping me alive. The one thing I stayed on this earth for was keeping my dearest nephew safe. That task was now in the hands of two muggles that loathed my best friends and what we are.

************

Halloween 1993 was so cold. I knew the students were off in the village. At least Harry would be with his friends. He would be happy. I was wrong. I should have known his aunt and uncle were incapable of showing Harry even the slightest compassion. So why was I surprised when I saw that scrawny boy, who resembled my two favorite people to ever walk this earth, passing by my office door. I jumped to my feet and scrambled to the hallway. There he stood. How could his friends leave him alone today? This day of all days. Then I remembered. He was just a baby on that terrible night 12 years ago. He probably didn't even realize that today was the day the planet I stood upon stopped turning.

How could I have been so selfish? Calling him to my office. Calling him to me just so I could feel closer to James, to Lily, to Peter... to Sirius. I knew I was wrong for this. I shouldn't have dragged this poor boy into my bubble of despair. But he was the reason I stayed on this earth. He was the reason I kept breathing this painful air. When I miss the life I had before and seek release from the life I have now I think of him. I called him over. I saw my friends in him. Now remember why I stayed here all these years. For Harry.


End file.
